Commander Shepard vs the Haters
by t3HPrO
Summary: Savior of the Galaxy by day, and fanfic vigilante by night, that is Commander Shepard! The Savior of the Galaxy takes down mindless haters who spam terrible stories full of hate through his Paragadeness! Dedicated to SihaKatieKrios and DarkDanny!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:****Its scathing parody time! I've learnt a little from ****DarkDanny's**** rip-roaring satirical fic, and I've decided to do my own. This is dedicated to my friend, ****SihaKatieKrios, who is apparently suffering from a massive IQ drop in addition to PTSD from a completely crap story that flamed Miranda for no reason and did it in such a terrible way that even I need bleach to unsee that fucking…shit, and DarkDanny, whose fic inspired me to do this one-shot. Oh, if you get offended…up yours. Do note that I have nothing against Talimancers (y'know, whatever makes you happy do go for it, and I actually like Tali. Yeah, the ME1 one, not the new one), but I do have something against haters. That would be the cold-forged barrel of an IAR. Let's go, mother huggers! Time to laugh at some excerpts of memorable epic fails!**

It was beyond boring for Commander John Shepard. It had been 4 months since he'd blown up the Collector Base and 2 since he'd killed the Shadow Broker. And there was _absolutely nothing _to do. Not even one distress call to answer. "Dammit…why can't Timmy boy send me another mission already?"He grunted to himself as he powered up his terminal and headed to his favorite fanfic site and logged in onto his specially made celebrity account. Heck, everyone in the galaxy knew that Commander John Shepard loved reading good fanfics, and that's why there was always a steady stream of fics based around him and his team, most of it-well, what did young people use the extranet for anyways? Even though it had been slightly more than 3 years of searching the site for good fics, Shepard only found a couple of them that interested him in the long term.

"Hmm…let's see what we have here tonight…"He mumbled to himself before he heard Miranda Lawson, his girlfriend, whining in bed as she slept and pawed at his pillow. "John…please…I'm so hot for you…"She moaned softly as she continued pawing his pillow while Shepard stifled his laughter. When Shepard melted away her ice bitch façade, he found that she was a strong, caring, loyal and loving woman who was simply yearning for some love, affection and trust. But the most shocking thing was that Miranda Lawson, former ice queen of Cerberus, was the _definition _of the word 'nymphomaniac'. The very first time he'd made love to her after they'd saved Oriana, they went 9 rounds before Shepard couldn't take it anymore, yet Miranda was still pleading for more.

"Who could imagine she'd be such a horny little firecracker when she's alone with me?"He chuckled softly to himself as he went down the list of new fanfics. There were some with Kasumi/Jacob pairings, some Garrus/Kelly, and some totally bizarre ones. "Samara and…Tali? What?"Shepard crinkled his eyebrows in disbelief as he stopped at one that looked promising. "The Illusive Man explains to Operative Lawson how you convince a paragon to stay…oh well, here goes nothing."He mumbled as he opened it up and noticed that the author was someone named OnTrollsPath. He then began to read…

_The Illusive Man took a puff of his cheap Shanxi black market cigarette and breathed out a black plume of smoke that resembled his heart. The holoprojector fired up and Miranda stood there leaning to the right with a hand on her waist looking like a bitch as per normal._

_"Miranda, where's Shepard? I wanna mind control him NAO."_

_"He went with Joker to check on the ship. I agree, we should control him NAO. Cause we're so dumb and evil."_

"What is this...I don't even..._next!"_Shepard grumbled as he closed it, only to find another one written by the same author. "Dammit, I _must _be a glutton for punishment."He sighed as he opened it as Miranda's moans got louder. "Oh yes honey baby, right there-_ooh!_"Miranda squeaked as she humped his pillow in her sleep as he started sniggering. _And she always sleeps commando,_ Shepard grinned as he turned his attention back to the screen. "I love Tali so much it's creepy...yadda yadda blah...oh. Hey, a traitor's a traitor kid. They gotta go. So what if Miranda shot him in cold blood? He would've done the same."He mumbled, addressing the author, but actually it was just the screen. "Mechs…meeting Tali…yep, getting interesting."

_Shepard recognized her. Tali ZOMG AWSUM!_

_"I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives! They're bad evil and stupid!"_

_"Put your weapons down! Shepard... Is that... You're alive?" Tali just couldn't believe her eyes. It looked like him. His eyes, his stance it probably was him...but she never noticed that crap anyways. But he's dead. No chance to fulfill her fantasies now._

_"You remember that Geth data I gave you, Tali lovey smoochy... Did it help you finish your pilgrimage?"_

_"Yes it did. COMMANDER SHEPPY ZOMG I LURVE U!"_

_"Of course, Quarians," Miranda scoffed. "You must have been the ones who activated the mechs."_

_"We didn't-" Tali tried to get out._

_"Of course, you did! Are you behind the colony disappearances?"_

_"No!"_

_"Oh come on! Since the incident between Cerberus and the Quarians it would make sense you would try to get back at Humanity. I mean, I know the quarians can't even house themselves but what the hell right? I need to look stupid in this fic."_

_"What the hell are you doing Miranda? You have a choice! REBEL AGAINST THE WRITER!" Jacob yelled._

_"Only pointing out the obvious. The colony is gone and here they are! Goddammit, I can't resist the writer!"_

_"Lawson, stand down!" Shepard ordered._

_"No, I won't. We should kill them where they stand cause I'm like, totally evil. And stupid."_

_Shepard pulled his pistol out and aimed at Lawson. "Back off now! I'm ordering you to stand down because I can't lose the...err...woman I've had Pedobear fantasies about ever since she joined me!"_

_"And I'm ordering you to take them out. Really Shepard? Pedobear? Oh God."_

_Shepard drew a sharp breath. He shook as his body slowly turned towards Tali and her group._

_"What are you doing, Shepard? I thought you were going to jump into bed with me!" Tali cried._

_"I-I c-can't c-control it," he stuttered. "My b-body isn't r-responding. M-m-my fucking Tourette's..."_

_Tali's squad raised their weapons, but Tali stood in their way. "Get out of the way Zorah! I'm a terrible shitshot!" Prazza yelled._

_"No!"_

_"What did you do to him?" Jacob demanded._

_"Shepard was a major investment for Cerberus and I made sure that investment didn't turn on us. Shepard has a control chip in his head and he will follow my directions. To see him kill one of his old friends will only go to show how powerful the chip is. I mean, it's so evil right? Awesome."_

_Shepard watched as his arms slowly drifted towards Tali. The pistol came closer and closer to pointing at her._

_"You've gone too far! You should've resisted the crappy writing!" Jacob charged up his biotic powers and tried to attack her. Miranda waved her arm sending a ball of dark energy into Jacob. The impact sent him flying into the wall knocking him out cold, which is why he's so useless._

_"Now kill them, I want to be back home in the next hour. Hurry up!" She said as she stood behind him._

_Shepard's pistol aimed at Tali's head as he strained every nerve against his Tourette's. Damn thing had plagued him since childhood, and in fact, his Tourette's acted up just as he was about to reattach his breathing apparatus. If it didn't act up then, he would've survived._

_"Zorah, get out of the way! I can't GODDAMN SHOOT STRAIGHT!" Prazza yelled._

_"No! Shepard, please. Fight it so we can spend all day and night in bed with me idol-worshipping you!"_

_"T-Tali. O-Order your squad to... Kill me. I hate h-h-having th-t-this damn Tou-T-Tourette's!" Shepard fought so hard to prevent himself from pulling the trigger. Blood was starting to drip from one of his nostrils as he'd picked his nose too hard even though his mom told him not to before getting off the shuttle._

_"I-I can't!" she cried. "I already lost you once! I need to keep my idol alive! My lord! My leader!" Tali would never be able to live with herself if she ordered her squad to kill him._

_"I would rather die than hurt you. Wow, I think my T-T-T-f-f-fuc-fuck."_

_"Please! Fight your Tourette's!" she begged._

_"What are you waiting for, Shepard?" Miranda demanded. "Kill her. I wanna catch the final round of Citadel Idol for God's sakes! It starts in half an hour!"_

_Blood started dripping from his other nostril. "I w-w-w-won't!" he growled. Shepard shook as he turned around. "I won't…piss in my pants!"_

_Miranda's eyes widened as Shepard suddenly spun around facing her with his gun pointed at her head. "Oh shi-" Bang! She fell limp to the ground and missing the top of her head._

_The pistol slid out of his hands as Shepard fell over onto the ground as he succumbed to his Tourette's. Tali rushed over to him and began dry humping him. "Shepard!" He rolled over on his back. Blood covered his mouth. "Please tell me you're alright so we can have surprise buttsecks!"_

_"Just a headache. Oh fuck, I pissed my pants. FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"He screamed, tears running down his face as humiliation set in._

"Oh _come the fuck on!_ This is bullshit! This isn't Miranda! This isn't Tali! This isn't even worthy of existence!"Shepard roared, bashing the table in a fit of righteous anger, eventually waking Miranda up. "Oh Johnny b-wha?"She asked blearily as she sat up, rubbing her beautiful cerulean eyes clear of sleep before she trotted over to Shepard. "It's nothing Randa hon-" "No really, what's gotten you so pissed off?"Miranda interrupted Shepard, who just gestured to the screen and Miranda began reading, her eyes widening with shock and utter horror as she absorbed the utter stupidity and hate splashed on the screen. "_What? An undefended installation? What the bloody hell does the author think this is, little kids playing forts! The Illusive Man is SO much smarter than that!"_Miranda raged against the screen as Shepard simply facepalmed due to the lack of words about the epic failure before him.

"Miri, calm down."Shepard sighed from within his hands as Miranda plopped into an empty chair beside him as she brushed a stray lock of raven hair behind her ears as her short velvet magenta nightgown rode further up her smooth, creamy white thighs, giving Shepard a very good view of her female goods down there as he stared there, entranced by the perfectness of it. "Well honey, let's make good on your desire, hmm?"Miranda purred as she sidled next to Shepard, fondling his manhood through his boxers as it came to full attention almost immediately. Only Miranda had this kind of power over him, and she knew it.

"Wait, I just saw something really interesting…hmm…Trololo Subject 23 by The trollzoman. Part SI, part OC...okay here goes…God please, don't let this…oh man. 'Drip drip drip?' Really, that's the best he could do? Oh God. The paragraphing is terrible…"Shepard mumbled nonstop as he and Miranda read about how some guy who'd been experimented on by Cerberus who could strangely enough turn himself into water awakening and his torture. "Blah blarg blah…I'm looking for the one who tortured me…and…oh for fucks sakes…really? Miranda? And 'WHIRRCHUNK' on a door? This is headed for fail…yet I wanna read on…" "John, _stop. Don't _read."Miranda sighed as she realized it was yet another degenerative, pointless and completely retarded flamefic against her, but Shepard didn't listen.

"Okay, chapter 2…author's notes…"Shepard mumbled, and his jaws clenched and his eyes bulged in rage at the utter stupidity and childishness of the writer.

_Now, to understand this epic fail masquerading as a fic, let me just start by saying that I REALLY didn't like the character for Miranda. She came across as being a complete bitch because she wouldn't idol worship me and make my sammichez, LULZ. "Oh, but she's got a hot ass and the personality to match!" Yeah yeah, welcome to planet earth, which I have NO idea where it is, hee ha. Ass or no ass, she's a bitch because I'm totally scared of strong women like her...I hate being an abused kid...also, I'm not man enough to face up to a real woman who questions me, challenges me and won't make my sammichez like every bitch out there is supposed to._

"Lord, help..."Shepard groaned as he endured the terribly written chasing of Miranda through the Normandy by the monster, and how Miranda sacrificed Chakwas to save herself and how she was completely xenophobic. "Are you fucking kidding? That would never happen, you dickhead! She isn't xenophobic either you fuckwit! Go back to school, goddammit! And actually_ learn _something in class! Maybe you'll know what xenophobic means!"Shepard raged as he inexplicably read on, but not before turning the de-bullshit-ifier on his WinTrolls which made all the bullshit words in the story appear as the actual meaning in brackets. Finally, he came to the last bit where the monster caught Miranda after some dialog that was probably written by a drunk and stoned 10 year old.

"_As soon as we come back, I'm killing her like the man (pussy) I am. Torture her, and then kill her because she's evil and stupid and I'm a sadist written by someone awesome (a serial murderer in the making). Also, just in case she tries to run…" He grabs Miranda's arm, and forces her hand open. Currently, she is screaming like a bitch (just like me, the awesome (loser) author all the time, hee), trying to get away. Shepard moves to help her, but Jacob grabs her arm as commanded by the super (batshit insane) writer (me). She looks at him, and Taylor just shakes his head, unable to resist the cool (demented) 13 year old (me) writing this (fail) fic. 23 plunges the blade into her hand, and her shrieks pierce the air. Mine (your shit author) would've been louder because I'm a brave boy (pussy and a little girl). He retracts the blade, grabs her hand and squeezes, sating his perverted obessesion. It's apparent it hurts like hell, like; I like being obvious because I'm (the author) a genius (dumbass) so I must be totally obvious. He lets go, and she snatches back her hand. "There. I'm set now. No matter where you go, I'll be able to find you because I'm a stalker, stalking is my game. I can't wait until we finish this mission." He hops off the crate, smashing his handsome (butt ugly) face against another crate while she struggles to get down. She views her hand, and as she does, her eyes go wide with horror at the fact that she's been touched by a god (a filthy, lowlife scumbag stalker)._

_The hole which 23 had made with his blade was replaced with a gel-like substance (cheapshot reference to several failed B-grade horror films that didn't even make it to direct release). "My version of the black mark. It means your going to die like in those stupid horror movies. It also responds to my abilities (none; empty threat) when I'm nearby, so I'll always be able to find you. Your marked Lawson, now it's just a matter of time before I tap that while your sleeping. Oh yes, STALKING TIME BITCHES! I'm CHIEF STALKER and I'm GONNA RAPE YOU!"_

Commander John Shepard stared at the screen blankly. Here he was, trying his damndest to save this galaxy. A galaxy full of these hateful morons. "Enough is enough! Black gel? What the fuck does this jackass think he is, R.L. Fucking Stine writing goddamn Goosebumps? I will reclaim this site from this scourge! Onward to glory and honor! Commander Shepard's in business!"He roared as he began to type burningly truthful reviews to those fics, which actually turned out to be more of a flame because of the epic failure of those stories, which gave him exactly _nothing _to compliment. Normally, Commander John Shepard would simply ignore these hatefics, but no. He would not stand by idly and let these grave injustices continue.

When he was done, he turned to EDI's console. "EDI, hack into the addresses of those failed authors and block their extranet access. We will spread love, not hate!"He said in a classic inspirational poster stance as Miranda stood up, hugging his strong chest while EDI replied with "Of course Shepard. That much fail should be given the immediate banhammer. That was not a joke."

"Ooh, I'm so horny whenever you do the inspirational leader stance."Miranda giggled as Shepard spun her around into his embrace. "I bet you always are."Shepard grinned as Miranda pouted before her eyes took on a predatory, mischievous glint as she threw him back onto their bed and stripped off his t-shirt and boxers with her biotics. "That's unfair _Commander…_but _so_ true. Let me make you forget those terrible trollfics."Miranda purred, stripping and flinging her nightgown aside as the couple gave into their passions. For the next 5 hours.

Finally, Miranda lay asleep and sated, drooling on Shepard's shoulder as he turned on the holoscreen to the news. There was a report on how one 13 year old boy on Omega had hung himself because according to a suicide note he left behind, 'Commander Shepard was such a douchebag to me, saying he hated my fic and it was nothing more than a troll, and my extranet was blocked. My life has no more meaning'. "Or at least that's what we managed to make out with our advanced decryption robots, as it was so badly misspelled and the handwriting was close to illegible. In fact, it was so bad our decryption robots crashed _twice_."Alicia Sundance reported, shaking her head in disdain before looking back at the camera.

"Now to you, Emily."The pale woman disappeared and Emily Wong appeared on the screen, and in the background was an apartment on the Citadel cordoned off by C-Sec. "Well, this case is _almost _a carbon copy of the Omega one, except that the person who had committed suicide was in his 20s. Both this one and the person on Omega were social recluses and nobody really knew them. What is interesting is that both had almost the same suicide notes as both have called Commander John Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel, a total douchebag for hating their fics, and their loss of desire to live after they were blocked from the extranet after what seems to be a highly advanced hack attack. This is Emily Wong reporting from Kithoi Ward."Shepard's favorite reporter signed out as Shepard turned off the holoscreen.

_Damn,_ Shepard thought. Not only had he ridden the galaxy of two spiteful little haters, he had gotten a totally loyal and undyingly selfless XO and lover, gotten rid of the Collectors, and gotten together the best team in the universe, which included Garrus, his good buddy, and Tali, his little sister. _Yep, I'm GOOD._ He grinned, clenching his right fist as he made a classic 'success kid' pose. What Shepard didn't know was that EDI was still watching, and it/she took a picture and posted it on the extranet. Thus, the wildly successful 'Success Shepard' extranet meme was born and lasted long after Shepard and Miranda's kids got their own kids.

**Final notes:**** Review…or maybe not. But please, laugh at your local Miranda hater because they're a joke. And if you're pissed…well, shove it up your ass cause I'm only gonna go Trololo at your rage post. Out!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes:****Yeeeeaaahh I'm back! I thought that this would be a one-shot too, but I was wrong. So yes, you guys get more retard suicide…in a series! So please, laugh it up and have a blast! Price: The haters. I always found haters to be incredibly goddamn stupid. I mean, you force yourself to hate a bunch of pixels for no reason whatsoever? Get a life, you fucking tool. Oh right, thanks to TeamSixOhTwo for kindly letting me use his name here. All disclaimers in the previous chapter apply here and for subsequent chapters. Fully loaded mag in…selector switch on full auto…let's do this.**

Commander John Shepard limped into the mess, still thoroughly exhausted by the intense lovemaking session with his girlfriend, Miranda Lawson, from the night before. It had lasted 5 hours before Miranda was sated, and Shepard was well and truly worn out. Miranda, who was by his side, was as fresh as Gardner's freshly baked bread that'd just came straight out of the over. Choruses of 'Morning' echoed throughout the mess as both Shepard and Miranda sat down and returned the greetings. As soon as Shepard sat down, Mordin Solus came up to him. "Ah good morning Commander. Have developed new device. Wanted to inform you."The salarian genius said as he handed Shepard a black box with a button on it.

"What is this?"Shepard asked, giving the simple box the once over as everyone crowded around him. "It's a teleportation device. Just think of anyone. Then press button. Subject or subjects will be teleported to your current location."Mordin replied as disbelieving murmurs circulated throughout the mess. "Okay everyone, close it! I'm going to test it out now."Shepard said loudly and firmly as everyone quieted down and he began to think of someone who he could teleport.

**Meanwhile, in a basement on Earth in Kentucky…**

14 year old Dirk Jerkin plonked his ass onto a chair in front of his computer as it came online. "Yesss…time to flame all them bitches but Tali."He chuckled maniacally in his Justin Bieber-like voice, drool flowing down the sides of his mouth which were encrusted in last night's bolognaise sauce. First he logged onto MyHolo, the successor to YouTube, as Narania234 and spammed every vid regarding Miranda Lawson with the same old tired 'Miranda is fascisistic evil Cerberus whore' bullshit, and now there was someone who kept replying to him. Unfortunately, that person was a very good troll, and Dirk was just too damn dumb to realize it. "NOOOOOO! YOU FAGGOTS DON'T REALISE THAT MIRANDA IS FACISISTIC CERBERUS WHORE YOU GRAMMAR NAZIS! ONLY TALI IS GOOD BECAUSE ONLY SHE MAKES MY SAMMICHEZ!"He nerdraged at his screen, his body trembling and his face all red with his rage as spit flew everywhere.

He then began to spam reply the same old crap to everyone who told him to piss off, which was about a few million netizens throughout the galaxy. Then, he went on to spam all vids regarding Jack, Ashley and Liara with all sorts of hate and lies. When he was done, he then went onto and opened up his stories. The first was his newest endeavor to slander Miranda, titled 'Topic 2+30-40+10+11+10X4'. Dirk didn't know the answer to that equation, which was posed by his younger 10 year old brother who was now in middle school. He suspected that it was something along the lines of 200, but never really figured it out as he never knew how to use a calculator. His 4 new reviews were something like this, from newest to oldest:

TeamSixOhTwo

What the fuck is this bullshit? Jesus Christ, you can't goddamn write. AT ALL. So give it up you damn moron.

Arustyrobot666u

Miranda you can suck mah balls! Oh wait, I don't have any. Nevermind then. 

ICna'tFuuckingSpeel4Shit

U shld t0tally lyk, k1ll Miranda. Cuaze I cnat hv a b1tch whuo won't m4ke my sammichez on my ship lulz. 

ChargingLightning

Jesus, Mary and Joseph…this HAS to be a joke. It's not an SI or even a fic at all. Stop writing this blatant flaming, you fucking tool.

"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH FUCK YOU TEAM! YOU TOO LIGHTNING!"Dirk screamed. He couldn't accept the truth. Oh no, he just couldn't as he'd been completely delusional since birth. It had something to do with him being dropped on the head, but nobody really knew. He then began to type out a very profane reply to Team and Lightning, which included phrases like 'I will troll all of you Mirandamancers' and 'anything you Mirandamancing losers do is a waste of time'. He then sent it, his entire body quivering with rage. "Fuck you mature people. Fuck you ALL!"He screamed once more before he closed it and went to his Ashley bashing story, which had a few immature morons who shared Dirk's childish, narrow viewpoint but mostly had people who utterly hated it, and they were led by a brave man called CreatedDarkPlane.

Of course, he tried to troll them all, yet another testament to how much of a no-lifer some American kids could be. After that, it was off to his Jack bashing story, and finally his Liara bashing one. After he was done, he decided to change the summary of his main fic, which was the Miranda bashing one, from 'MIRANDAMANCERS BEWARE! We (me and my imaginary friends) don't like you grown-ups'. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite think of something that would make him look smart and the detractors look dumb at the same time. So he thought up of something till the next day before he got an idea. "I know! YESS!"He squealed as he changed it to 'I can't believe I've to say this, but this is NOT character bashing you fucking morons.'

"Yes! I is genius!"He said happily as he turned to his altar of Tali, which was full of photos (and some hentai) of Tali as he sighed longingly, starting to imagine Tali as Pamela Anderson. "Man…all this hating on other LIs while idolizing Tali is making me so hard."Dirk mumbled as he began to fiddle with the zipper on his denim shorts. Unfortunately, a pulsing blue light enveloped his CPU and Dirk tried to hit it. However, it enveloped him instead, and he felt himself being drawn into the CPU. "NOOOOO! THIS WAS TOTALLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN WITH MY CROSSCUBE720! NOOO-"Dirk's frantic, high-pitched screaming was abruptly cut off when the blue light finally sucked him in.

"Dirk Jerkin! I've had it with you not responding to me calling you for lunch and dinner!"Dirk's pissed off mother entered Dirk's underground lair with a whip in hand. "Dirk! Stop hiding and come out…"She trailed off as she saw the newest chapter of Dirk's Miranda bashing story, as well as his Ashley bashing one. She gasped when she saw that Dirk had written that Miranda had killed 3 asari girls and 1 quarian before ordering the last one to get raped. When Dirk's mum switched windows to the one bashing Ashley, her jaw dropped when she saw that Shepard had cold heartedly dumped Ashley to idol-worship Tali, and after that, Ashley became the 'whore she actually is'. "Oh God! What did I ever do to deserve this kind of…son?"She wailed in distress, distressed that her elder son was such a pervert and mental case.

**Meanwhile, back on the Normandy…**

A pulsing blue light materialized in Tali's lap as the quarian started to panic. "Keelah! What on Rannoch-"She cried in confusion as Dirk suddenly dropped right into her lap, and the boy was wailing hysterically with fear. He then opened his eyes to see…"NO FUCKING WAY! AWSUM!"He squealed when he saw Tali. "Um…do I know you?"The quarian asked in confusion as he began to dry hump her while the rest of the crew just stared. "No bitch, but you are gonna make my sammichez and get on my dick within the next hour!"Dirk replied as Tali snorted. "Who the hell do you think you are, you little bosh'tet!"She scowled as Miranda decided to speak up. "Excuse me, but I hate your childish mentality that women are only for sex and sandwiches."The brunette scowled at the boy, who was still dry humping Tali, much to the engineer's disgust.

"Who…you are the chief Cerberus bitch! You are fascist evil! Die!"Dirk shrieked as he jumped off Tali and charged Miranda, but the ex-Cerberus operative just rolled her eyes and sent him sprawling onto the floor with a simple push. "Who the hell is this spiteful jackass?"Zaeed grumbled as Dirk stood up and puffed out his tubby chest proudly. "I am Dirk Jerkin, also known as the awesome fanfic writer called The supaman!"He said proudly as the entire crew looked at each other, and Jack and Miranda suddenly looked back at him with pure hate and anger blazing in their eyes. "So you're that hateful little motherfucker who called me a 'walking herpes case' and a 'tattooed slut' on that shitfic of yours."Jack growled as Dirk nodded proudly. "I write only the truth! And you, you tattooed slut, are such, and you, Cerberus whore, are a fascist slut who sleeps around!"

Both women then stood up along with Commander Shepard, who was pissed off by this hateful little asshole who was indiscriminately insulting his crew and the woman he loved. "You might wanna watch that mouth of yours, little boy. And you're the worst fanfic writer in history. All hate and no plot. You _suck_."John growled as he and the 2 irate women approached the oblivious Dirk. "It's a free universe! I can say whatever the fuck I want! And I'm the awesomest fanfic writer ever, you loser!"Dirk retorted petulantly, sticking his tongue out at them. "Hang on girls; I've got 2 more girls who would really like to be here right now."John said as he hit the button again, and both Liara and Ashley appeared in the mess in separate flashes of blue light, looking beyond confused as they stood there, Liara in a dress and Ashley in a bathrobe.

"Oops, sorry to interrupt your bath Ash. Mordin, its official. Your invention is a great success."Shepard muttered as both newcomers just stared at the crew, waiting for an explanation. Miranda filled both the asari and the soldier in on what was going on and the boy standing in front of them, and both Liara and Ashley joined Miranda and Jack in staring at Dirk angrily. "You disgust me, you little hater."Liara scoffed as Ashley joined in. "So I'm a racist whore, huh little boy?"The not-so-voluptuous brunette snarled at the still-oblivious Dirk. "That's right! All of you women are nothing more than sluts and hoes! Only Tali is awsum! Tali! Go make me a meatball sammich!"Dirk yelled proudly before he screeched in terror when Jack yanked him up. "Oh you are _so_ dead, you little fuck!"She yelled as she biotically tossed him against a bulkhead.

Dirk slumped to the ground and was yanked up once again by Jack, and the tattooed biotic punched him in the face with a biotically enhanced fist, nearly killing the boy. "Alright, stop! Leave some for the rest of them!"Shepard yelled as Jack hesitated, wanting so much to just kill him, but instead, she threw him into a chair and let out a shriek of frustrated anger. Tali was next to take her shot at Dirk. "You think I'm that much of a slut to hook up with you? Dumb bosh'tet! I will love only Kal'Reegar! Only Reegar is man enough for me!"She cursed as she kicked him in the stomach as he howled in pain, doubling over as Liara took her turn. "This is what I think of your fic about me."Liara growled as she hit Dirk with a right uppercut. Ashley was next, and she didn't even bother saying anything. She just hit him with a kick to the groin as Dirk's howl went extremely high-pitched as his undersized boyhood was hit.

Finally, Miranda's turn came. She slapped Dirk awake from his state of semi-consciousness before she squatted right in front of his face. "Dirk, you've been a terrible person. And terrible people need to be punished. Anyways, why do you have such a childish view of women, thinking that quarian women are so cheap as to want you and that horrible, water spewing OC you have in the fic that bashes me? Also, do we women look like sex objects and sandwich makers to you?"Miranda asked in a low, deadly tone that chilled everyone to their bone. "You women should bow before men…so yes-augh!"Dirk screeched in pain as Miranda pistol whipped him with her S5 Phalanx. "Idiot. Also, did you know that everyone will break under certain amounts of torture? It's science. This means that your OC is an unrealistic joke."Miranda said softly as Dirk tried but failed to glare at her.

"Fuck off! I don't care because I just wanna flame everyone but Tali!"Dirk yelled, trying but epically failing to sound defiant, instead sounding like a whipped puppy. "Really? You think this is funny?" Miranda scoffed as she stood up straight and pointed her gun at Dirk, who froze in terror as he simultaneously wet his pants. "W-w-w-wha-what?"Dirk stammered as Miranda narrowed her beautiful eyes at Dirk. "I asked you a question, you answer it."Miranda scowled as Dirk only managed another terrified "W-w-what?" "What planet are you from?"Miranda raised her voice as her temper flared up. "W-w-what?"Dirk squeaked as Miranda's nostrils flared up in anger. "'What' isn't any planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak English in 'What'?"The XO's voice increased in pitch and volume as Dirk only managed a "Wha-wha-what?"

"_English motherfucker! Do you speak it!"_Miranda screamed, finally reaching her breaking point as her hand trembled from her anger as her gun remained pointed at Dirk's forehead. "Y-yes! Oh shit!"Dirk screamed in fear, tears running down his face as he silently begged for his mommy. "Then you know what I'm bloody saying!"Miranda seethed through tightly clenched teeth as Dirk sobbed out a 'yes' as he pissed in his shorts once more. "Good. Describe what I look like to me." "What?" "Say what again and I will fucking kneecap you! I dare you, no, I double dare you arsehole! Say what one more bloody time!"Miranda screamed as Dirk continued blubbering. "Describe what I look like to me!" "You're white! You're quite tall! And…um…you've got blue eyes!"Dirk croaked out in terror as Miranda glared at him, her eyes red with anger and murder as she kept her pistol pointed at the boy's forehead.

"Go on!"Miranda yelled as Dirk nodded in fear, tears flying everywhere as he did so. "You've got buckteeth!"He replied, sobbing as Miranda cut him off. "Do I look like a racist bitch?"The voluptuous brunette asked, snarling as Dirk almost responded with a heartfelt yes. Of course, Dirk didn't have the balls to say it out loud, so he just went with what his brain thought of next. "What?"Dirk responded before he could stop himself, and he realized what Miranda was going to do to him now that he had said 'what' again. Miranda's aim shifted lower and her S5 Phalanx sounded once as the Sentinel kneecapped him. Dirk could only scream in intense pain as he cried some more. "Do. I. Look. Like. A. Racist. Bitch?"Miranda yelled at Dirk, who was clutching at his knee and sobbing hysterically. "No!"Dirk lied tearfully as Miranda shoved him against the back of his seat.

"So why do you keep writing me as one? Answer me!"The XO snarled as she pistol whipped Dirk once more."Okay girls, now that you've had your fun, it's my turn."Shepard finally spoke up as he hoisted Dirk over his shoulder and carried him towards the lift as the entire ground team, as well as Liara and Ashley, followed Shepard into the lift. Jack managed to slip behind Shepard in the lift, and she charged up her biotics and punched Dirk on his spine. "AUGH MY SPIIINNEE!"Dirk screeched in pain as everyone turned around to face Jack. "What? He had it coming."The short biotic mumbled, folding her arms and slouching against the wall as Shepard glared at her, but decided not to say anything. They finally stopped at deck 4 and they went into Zaeed's hangout despite his protests.

Shepard then shoved Dirk into the garbage airlock and slammed the hatch shut. He then picked up a datapad that was displaying Dirk's endeavor to slander Miranda and showed it to the kid. "What is this?"He asked as Dirk looked at him pitifully. "My fic?"The kid croaked out as Shepard shook his head. "Yeah, but what is it?" "It's…awesome?"Dirk wheezed pathetically as Shepard shook his head. "Awesome? THIS! IS! BULLSHIT!"Shepard roared, throwing the datapad to the floor as he punched the flush button and Dirk was ejected into space, where he imploded in a red mist. "Well, that's that girls. And guys."Shepard said as Miranda, Ashley, Liara, Jack, and Tali looked at each other. "Well…now that it's settled…how about some fun, girls?"Miranda purred with a naughty smile as Tali giggled.

"Of course Miranda. I simply love your curves. It's like a goddess'!"The quarian giggled as Miranda grabbed Tali's ass, and Liara, Jack and Ashley grabbed Miranda's as well as someone else's before they began to sashay to the door. "Oh Tali…Liara, I can't wait to see your azure again…"Miranda smiled back cattily as Jack guffawed. "Fuck sakes, quit comparing asses and let's just fuck. Can't wait to fuck yours, Ash."The convict chortled as Ashley engaged in a passionate lip lock with Miranda. "Oh John, you're welcome to watch. No, we _want _you to watch."Miranda and Ashley panted in unison as soon as they broke the kiss and the lift doors closed just after that. "Okay, I got the beer!"Jacob grinned, holding up a bottle of Budweiser as Grunt chipped in. "I got ryncol!" "I got the toilet paper! Shep, whatcha got?"Zaeed shouted over the excited men. "I got front row seats!"Shepard grinned as everyone cheered while they headed up to the cabin to watch what was probably the sexiest lesbian orgy ever.

Final notes: **Hah! None of you expected the ending, eh? So, did anyone catch the one game reference and the two movie references in here? First to point 'em out gets a hundred intarweb cookies! Now, due to popular demand, I have decided to make this an irregular series, and the next one is ridiculous OCs. If you, dear reader, have seen a ridiculous OC in a hatefic, please do **_**not**_** hesitate to tell them to me in a PM or your review, and I promise that you will **_**not**_** look at those ridiculous OCs in the same way ever again. Hope you guys laughed like crazy! Peace to you sane people who don't hate, and death to them haters!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:****Guess who's back...back again...with **_**moar**_** hater hating! In this chapter (and the next few), ridiculous OCs will be brutally taken out. I've noticed that most (if not all) SI/OC stories are prime breeding grounds for haters and almost **_**every single one of them**_** are narcissistic, autoerotic 'I am so awesome (read: **_**not **_**awesome) I'll just put myself in as a total fucking Gary Stu and I'll fuck Tali within 2 chapters! And she'll fantasize about me being naked within one chapter! And Shepard becomes a horny, slutty bimbo! Or a sex-crazed maniac!' pieces of unadulterated bullshit, as well as being deeply disturbing Miranda/Jack/Ashley bashing fests that have no plot whatsoever. So, yes, let the pwnage commence!**

**Disclaimer:**** I have nothing against quarians, and all of the disclaimers in chapter one are still applicable here.**

"Shepard. Have invented new device-"Professor Mordin Solus began before Jack cut him off. "And you want us to be your guinea pigs and test it out. Hell fucking _no_, Doc Frog!"The ex-convict scowled as Mordin simply narrowed his eyes in irritation. "Okay close it Jack. Mordin, what did you invent?"Shepard asked, sipping on his coffee as Mordin continued. "I have invented a device that links people's dreams together and allows them to access alternate universes via a dream within a dream within a dream."The salarian genius replied as Miranda Lawson, the Normandy's XO and Shepard's girlfriend spoke up. "So…this…invention of yours…"Miranda began, pointing at a round thing with a huge silver button in the centre of it that was contained in a briefcase. "It basically serves as a portal to alternate universes by putting us in a dream state?"

"Not just a dream state Miss Lawson. It's a dream within a dream within a dream."Mordin said proudly as the ground team milled around, inspecting the rather large gadget. "Um…does that mean that whatever we do will actually have an impact on the actual universe we're in, or does it simply mean that it's basically a dream?"Shepard asked. "No. All actions will bear an actual consequence in the alternate universe. The dream is simply a gateway to the alternate universe. It's 100% safe!"Mordin explained to the crew, who broke out into murmurs of disbelief as incredulity as Shepard stared at the gadget for awhile, thinking if it was a worthwhile risk to try it out. "So…once we're in, is there any way we can return here?"Miranda asked as Mordin nodded quickly. "Of course! Not…exactly sure…how though. But I can guarantee safe return."The salarian admitted as Shepard finally made his decision.

"Okay crew, we're going to test this out. Since Mordin has already guaranteed our safety, I guess we'll just try it. Miranda, Thane, Garrus, Ashley, Zaeed, Jack, Jacob, Tali, Samara and Grunt, you will enter the dream state with me and hopefully we'll come back as we went in."Shepard announced as everyone save for Jack agreed. "Come on Shepard, we really have to guinea pig for doc Frog?"The bald woman whined as Shepard sighed. "Yes we do. Anyways, how often is it that we can get to go into alternate universes? So we have to embrace this chance fully and guinea pig for Mordin."The Commander replied as Jack groaned in protest. "Wait…alternate universes? Does that mean that there'll be other…versions of us?"Garrus asked, his mind working in overtime as Mordin nodded.

"Yes. Fully possible that there may be other 'versions', so to speak, of you. Remember, whatever you do in alternate universe will have consequences! So tread carefully!"Mordin warned the crew as Tali spoke up from the back. "Wow really? Other versions of us? One Miranda is already more than I can handle in bed!"The quarian giggled as Miranda smiled back lustily, walking to where Tali was and they began their ass-groping session as Ashley joined in. "That's because you're not an Alliance marine, Tali. Even though I'm one, one Miranda is more than enough for me."Ashley purred as Miranda and Tali cooed in agreement and in pleasure at the feel of their asses being groped. "Fucking horny sluts."Jack muttered under her breath, returning her attention to the dream device, or the Inception-v4.3 as Mordin had named it.

Surprisingly, the 2 women, the asari justicar who had just joined in the grope-fest, and the quarian making out in the back of the room had gone unnoticed by the rest of the team, who was completely intrigued by the device. "Okay Miri…Miri? Oh…"Shepard chuckled when he saw that the foursome was engaged in a heavy make-out/groping session. However, as soon as they noticed Shepard looking and the rest of the squad turning around to look, they broke it off and shot to their feet quickly. "Yes John?"Miranda asked, trying but failing to keep the flush of arousal off her perfectly beautiful face. "Quit making out, we're going to link up now, and we're going to go in."John Shepard chuckled at his girlfriend's flustered reaction as Miranda simply responded with "Yes sir." Soon, Mordin had them all strapped in and lying down in some very comfortable lazy-boys, and he linked everyone up through a series of electrodes pasted onto their heads.

"Everybody ready to go deep?"Mordin asked as everyone nodded. "Okay…commencing startup sequence…at 20%. 40%. 55%. 67%. 81%. 96%. 100%. Initializing sleep sequence. 3 out of 11 asleep. 8 out of-all asleep and in phase one of deep dreaming. All in phase two…all in phase three! Success! Okay Shepard. Require me to come along to see if everything goes smoothly…"Mordin spoke at such speed he practically sounded like X76 Revenant fired on full auto, and the nearby crew members all stared at him in disbelief at the speed of his speech. The salarian professor finally realized that _all _of the squad, Shepard included, were already asleep and in phase three of dreaming, and nobody could answer him. "Oh well. Sad face."Mordin sniffed, feeling rather sad and left out as the 'forever alone' meme appeared on a nearby holoscreen for no apparent reason.

John, Miranda, Ashley, Thane, Jacob, Jack, Garrus, Samara, Grunt, Tali and Zaeed all appeared in a huge room, ornately decorated with an intriguing but seamless fusion of 19th century English furniture and carved wood panels and expensive looking painting hanging on the wall, and some modern furniture and modern marble floorings. There was a rather attractive blonde with a mic and headseat that sat behind a large, modern oakwood desk marked 'reception'. "Hi y'all! I'm Fiona from reception, and welcome to Inception! Do you have an appointment?"She chirped as she eyed Shepard lustily. "Uh…hi Miss Fiona…I…um…"Shepard chuckled, trying to act suave and charming towards the pretty blonde piece of eye candy in front of him as Miranda tried not to beat the shit out of the blonde floozy who was flirting with _her _man, and Jack tried not to beat all the chirpiness out of Fiona. Both succeeded, proving that miracles _do_ happen.

"Fiona, it's okay. They're new here, and I've been expecting them. Could you please see them in?"A loud, crisp, English accented voice came from behind a very large, very ornately carved oakwood double door as Fiona replied in the affirmative. She then stood up and directed them into the room, which had rare, exquisite paintings hanging from the walls, and it looked like an English lord's hall. In fact, it probably was, what with all the expensive, finely crafted English furniture everywhere. At the end of the room sat a handsome, well built man dressed a bowler hat with tailored dress pants and a three-piece suit was sipping on some tea. "Here is the new arrivals milord."Fiona informed the man who was presumably a lord. "Delightful! Thank you Fiona, you are dismissed."The man said as Fiona bowed slightly, smiling as she left.

"Whoa…this place is posh as hell. Glad Kasumi isn't here."Jack grinned, admiring the splendor of the room as the squad chuckled. "You've been expecting us sir?"Ashley asked the man, who stood up from his huge chair and walked over to them with a charming smile. "Yes I have. Let's dispense with formalities, shall we? Just call me Inglip, and yes I am a lord and an admiral of the great British Empire."He said as he shook Shepard's hand. "Um…not to spoil anything, Lord Inglip, but the British Empire has been dead for over 200 years now."John replied as Inglip shook Zaeed's hand. "I know that, but I like reminiscing on those glorious times. Coffee for all of you?"Inglip asked as he shook Garrus' talons. "Yessir. We would like that very much."Shepard replied as he saw Inglip exchange handshakes with Grunt, the last male in the squad.

"And for you, my dear miss, I assume you would like some of my finest tea befitting your status as an outstanding, beautiful and proper Englishwoman of high social standing?"Inglip smiled charmingly at Miranda as he kissed the back of her hand, making her giggle. "Why yes thank you, Lord Inglip."She giggled as she batted her eyelashes seductively at the attractive nobleman kissing her hand. Now, it was Shepard's turn to get jealous, but he didn't want to beat the crap out of this nobleman in a foreign universe lest they be banished to a universe where the Reapers reigned supreme. Inglip went around kissing all the hands of the women, and when he was done, a portly butler came in with the coffee and tea requested.

"Ah Jarvis my good man! Perfect timing as per normal. Excellent job."Inglip praised the butler as Jarvis smiled and nodded, acknowledging the compliment as he set out the beverages in fine china pots and cups on the conference table where they sat. As soon as Jarvis left, Inglip spoke up. "Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering why I was expecting you. Very simple. I've been observing all of you, and I've determined that all of you are the only ones able to restore order to all of the parallel universes, and you are thus my honor guards. My guards number only in the thousands, and they're spread quite thin already. There are literally _hundreds_ of alternate universes out there, so you can pretty much imagine how big it is."Inglip said, passing everyone their ID badges as everyone sipped on their beverages. "Inglip, if you do not mind me asking, what is your job?"Thane asked politely as per normal, sipping on his coffee.

"I'm merely the Overseer. I observe, but I have limited powers to change universes. If only God gave me a little more leeway…"The Englishman said, his brow furrowed in thought about what he could do if he had said power. "Just one quick question. How did you get here, and how long have you been here?"Tali asked. "I came here a long, long time ago via a portal in a pyramid in Egypt when the British Empire was at its apex…I'm immortal, by the way."Inglip replied as everyone exchanged awed looks. "So…what do you need us to do in order to restore order to all of these out-of-whack universes, Inglip?"Miranda asked, delicately sipping on her tea. "I need you to return the subjects making all of these universes stay out of order back to their own universes. It's usually just one subject that's always screwing up the universe, so once that subject is gone and certain changes are made, the universe becomes normal once more."

"If peaceful means are not possible, then you have authorization to terminate them. By the way, if these abnormal universes stay the way they are, then there's a very high chance that these fucked up universes will inevitably ruin other universes as well."The English lord replied, sipping on his own tea as Samara spoke up. "Lord Inglip, how will we return those subjects to their own universes? And how do we restore order?"The justicar spoke up, sipping on her coffee as Inglip facepalmed. "Of course, how could I be so bloody forgetful! Use these. Aim it at your target for a minute while holding down the trigger, and it will return to its original universe. And once the subject is gone, press the blue button here and shout 'I hereby summoneth the power of thy, Great Inglip!' The universe will then reassume normality."Inglip instructed them, handing each one of them a taser-like gun.

"Jesus, that's as corny as fuck."Jack snorted as the Englishman shrugged. "I thought so too, but God disagreed. When the Big Man says do something, you bloody well get it done."He sighed as Ashley piped up. "Sir, why can't God do something about it then?" "That's because he's still in one of these universes, asking if Obama's got change."Inglip replied, causing everyone to snigger. "Okay…all of you pick your weapons please."The English lord instructed the squad, who went into the armory he indicated and picked their weapons. "Shit, this is antique! Got anything newer?"Jack whistled, loading an Ithaca37 as Inglip simply shook his head. Shepard picked out an XM8, while Miranda, Ashley, Garrus and Jacob took an ACR each, Zaeed and Thane took a F2000 each, Samara and Tali both took MP5s and finally Grunt took a Mk48 SAW. "This gun is badass!"Grunt exclaimed happily as everyone complained about the heavy weight of their new weapons, which were much heavier than the guns they were used to as they grabbed ammo and everyone simply picked out a M1911 pistol for their sidearm.

"So, this is your first target. His name is 66. Yes, just two numerals. Fucking stupid name…oh shit! He's going to kill her! Okay, get him before he does anything stupid!"Inglip ordered them as he saw that a very, _very_ ugly human male was pursuing and alternate Miranda through the alternate Normandy SR2. "What's his story?"John asked as Inglip herded them towards a portal. "He's a supposed test subject that's been personally tortured by Miranda. His conception is a bloody big screwup!" "Why would an alternate me torture someone?"Miranda wondered out loud as Inglip powered up the portal. "His conception screwed _everything_ in that galaxy up! It even screwed up the entire past! Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa _actually_ _had talent_, Chuck was a terrible TV series, the Nazis won World War 2, and Albert Einstein was a serial murderer! So yeah, you're a serial bitch with xenophobic tendencies."Inglip replied, his usual calm, smooth voice becoming unsettled and increasingly louder as the he continued his briefing.

"So far, he's been yanked off a ship that 3 of my guards sabotaged in the hopes that it would neutralize him, but this alternate Shepard _had_ to rescue him off that ship."Inglip sighed in frustration, pulling up a dossier of one Alicia Shepard. "Wait what! That's the alternate me?"Shepard cried out in horror as he beheld the woman running after 66. "No. You basically don't exist in this universe, even though the rest of your squad does. 3 of the variables needed to create you were missing, and we got this bimbo instead. Oh, the knowledge on how to operate your weapons will be implanted in your mind while in transit. And if you need anything, just say it."Inglip informed him as they were transported into the alternate Normandy SR2. They appeared in the shuttle hangar in a bright flash of light, and all of them were now dressed in sharp 2-piece suits, dress pants and dress shoes for the men, and the women wore suits, blouses, short skirts and high heels. They all looked like Mafias, but they had tactical Kevlar vests bearing their ammo on over their shirts/blouses and beneath their suits.

"What the hell?"The alternate Zaeed groused as the two Zaeeds stared at each other. All eyes were on the universe faring squad, and alternate Miranda had a S5 Phalanx pointed at 66. "66, we're here to return you to wherever you came from because you're fucking up this galaxy. We hope you will cooperate and make this painless and peaceful."Shepard said as he aimed the taser at 66 while the rest of John's squad aimed their weapons at the genetically modded psycho. "Fuck you! I have awesome water-based powers now, and revenge against the Cerberus bitch that tortured me and experimented on me is just a step away! I will never give in!"66 screamed back as he spotted Tali. "_Ohmaifuckingawd_ a quarian! I love you chickens in a bucket! You quarian women are cheap whores! I like!"66 squealed in joy. _Finally _he was gonna get laid for the 2nd time in all 23 years of his life! The first had been some quarian slut by the name of Lila…or Lola…_fuck it, it don't matter now!_ 66 thought with glee as Tali tensed up.

"Excuse you! I am not a slut, you pathetic little bosh'tet!"Tali yelled back in anger as 66 looked confused. "But…but…all quarian women are supposed to be easy because of their suits!"66 cried in confusion as John Shepard stepped up. "Well, your argument is invalid. Now please, surrender peacefully."John growled as 66 stared back. "Fuck you! You'll _never _know what she did to me!"He shrieked, throwing ice shards at all of John's squad, and at John himself. "Popsicle sticks!"John yelled, thrusting a Popsicle stick into the air as all of his squad did likewise, and all of 66's ice shards stuck themselves onto the sticks. "Syrup!"John barked, and suddenly a huge vat of red syrup materialized in front of him, and his squad followed his lead and swirled their icicles in the syrup, instantly creating popsicles. "Yay! Popsicles!"Tali squeaked in joy, opening the slot in her mouthpiece and sticking the Popsicle inside as everyone began to savor theirs.

"Damn Shepard, this is a bloody amazing popsicle!"Zaeed commented, licking on his own as 66's jaw dropped in shock, as the original, Popsicle eating Miranda stood beside the alternate Miranda, her ACR still aimed at 66. "What! How!"66 screeched in a high-pitched tone of voice more befitting a little girl's than a male. "We can do this because we're the honor guards of the great Lord Inglip. By the way, it's true that Miranda did all those things to you. But only because _you_ fucked up the entire timeline of this universe, which in turn fucked everything up. If you weren't here, Miranda would be a very loving woman who doesn't want to torture other people, whether they be quarian or human. The loving part is a bit of a secret though. Also, thanks to you being here, not only is Miranda a cowardly sadist, Justin Bieber actually had more talent than Green Day. So you're a fucking massive screwup."John replied as he tossed aside the stick, his Popsicle finished as he and his squad flashed their honor guard badges.

"Fuck you! I'm going to kill her! I'm just gonna kill her!"66 screamed as he disappeared. "Okay…"both Mirandas mumbled as they scanned the surrounding and they saw water pooling up at their feet. They turned around and saw 66 trying but epically failing to sneak up on them from behind. "Wow…you suck 66. Try harder next time."The original Miranda sighed as 66 went into rage mode. "!"He shrieked as John simply rolled his eyes. "Percy Jackson!"He yelled, and a teenage in a hoodie materialized right next to him. "Sup Shepard?"The teenage boy asked. "Sup Percy. I need you to pull that pool of water from right under 66's feet like a carpet and land him on his stinking ass. Oh, and deny him his water abilities."Shepard commanded as Percy just nodded, raising one arm in the air halfway before he pulled back abruptly, flinging the water away and sending 66 crashing onto his ass.

66 then sprang to his feet and tried to throw more ice shards at everyone, but nothing happened. "How the fuck!"He screeched, staring at his now-useless hands. "I'm Poseidon's son, bitch! Eat it!"Percy sneered as all of John's squad, and John himself, aimed their weapons at 66. "Goodbye motherfucker. Enjoy your dirtnap."The original Miranda laughed evilly as she opened fire along with her squad, filling the hangar with the cacophony of 10 unsuppressed weapons firing on full auto, and the booming of Jack's shotgun. When they were done, 66 was nothing more than a heap of formless bones, skin, flesh and a bullet bag. "Well 66, consider yourself…"Shepard said dramatically as he pulled out a pair of Ray-ban sunglasses from his inner suit pocket and put it on. "…officially terminated."He said coolly as an extremely loud _yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh _came on through the speakers.

"Time for the last step Johnny babe."Miranda purred as John put aside his XM8 and drew his taser. "Indeed Miri dear. I hereby summoneth the power of thy, Great Inglip!"John shouted in a commanding tone while holding down the blue button. There was a massive flash of light and a loud crack of thunder, and the bullet ridden corpse of 66 and Percy Jackson were gone, leaving only the 2 squads in the hangar. "Oh my. I feel…normal! Thank you!"The alternate Miranda squealed in joy as she jumped on John, hugging him as kissing the stunned Commander deeply as the real Miranda pulled the alternate version of herself off her man. "Oi! We may be the same, but John is still _my _man, and mine alone."Miranda scowled at her doppelganger as Alicia spoke up. "Miri! You're cheating on me! Our dinner date tonight is _cancelled_!"Alicia Shepard pouted as the alternate Miranda slipped an arm around the female Shepard's waist.

"Oh Ali…I'm just thanking Johnny here…you know I love nobody else but you…please don't cancel?"Alternate Miranda pouted, giving Alicia those puppy dog eyes that were exactly the same as the real Miranda's. "Fine. But one more time I see you flirting with someone else…oh and thanks Johnny. I actually feel normal for once."Alicia sighed as she walked off with alternate Miranda. "It's just John for y'all, and you're welcome!"John Shepard grinned back as the real Miranda attached herself to him, both of her arms wrapped tightly around Shepard's chest. "Oh John…you're such a hero…"Miranda purred as all of the alternate crew thanked John Shepard and co. for actually making them feel normal again. "You're all welcome! Stay safe!"John called out to the grateful alternate crew as they went back to their quarters. "Okay! Mission's over people! Let's go home."John Shepard grinned as he pressed a button that read 'return to Inglip's office' that had materialized right in front of him with Miranda still cuddling him as he reciprocated.

**Final notes: ****Yep, there y'all have it! OC sniping at its best! The next few chapters will be OC sniping chapters too, so do stay tuned! Peace, and spread the love! Kumbaya, my children. Kumbaya, and go in peace.**


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